Its Official......

I am certifiably a wack job....ha ha ha
So those that are close to me know that I am losing my F'ing mind. Especially Laurie who has to hear me moan and groan all day long....thanks Laurie!!!! So with alot of contemplation I have decided to finally see a counslor..again! Let me elaborate on what I mean by again....I have been seeing a psychiatrist and going through counseling since I was 12 years old. My first attempt at commiting suicide was in the 6th grade, I beleive I would have been about 11 - 12 years old. I remember going into the band room when there wasnt a class, breaking the window, then slicing my left wrist with a piece of the glass. Of course I was found doing so and I have been dancing with the devil ever since. I know that there have been alot of people that have had messed up lives and mine is one of those. So anyway, I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and General Axiety since I was 15 or 16 years old. I was admitted into the hospital back in 1995, 1996, and 1997 for the famous for Britney Spears, 5150 hold. Lovely! I spent 90 days in a treatment center for a dual diagnosis of both psych and drug dependency back in 1995. This actually did work for a little while. Prior to being admitted for the 90 days I had tried to go through 3 other drug rehab programs that had OBVIOUSLY not worked. Maybe thats because this program was to treat both my mental problems and drug issues. Anyway that brings us to today. Well for anyone who knows anything about Bi-Polar disorder would understand how this works. People with this disease go through spurts in their life either where they are maniac (on a high all the time, and no not literally) or they are depressed. You are never at an even kill. This can last for a day or two or it can last for a few years at a time. Until about a year ago I had been on that manic level since about 1998 when I got a divorce from my husband which definately started all that whirlwind but we will save that conversation for another time. For the last year I have definately started to spiral down that deep dark hole of depression and it has finally brought me to the point that I need to see a doctor again. You see when people go through that manic phase they seem to think that everything is okay and that they dont need help or medication which is exactly what I did. You do things without think about the consequences that may come of your actions. You do things and purchase things that you dont need and even if you cant afford them then worry about it later. That is probaly why I have already filed for bankruptcy when I was only 22 years old and I am again in debt now. I think I have like 3 lawsuits pending now from medical bills and crap. When you go through the down times like I am doing now you withdraw from the world. You shut off relationships with your family and friends. You dont enjoy doing anything in life. Like me, everyday I go to work, I come home from work, I go on my computer or watch tv, then go to bed. Its always the same. My friends will call but I will ignore the phone. My friends will want to hang out, I will make any excuse not to go and not becuase I dont enjoy my friends but just becuase I dont feel like functioning at all. If I do go hang out, I get bored very quickly and want to go home. It funny you see because I work in a call center so I have to talk to people all day long but I HATE PEOPLE. I can honestly say that I really do not enjoy talking to anyone. You can be sweet as pie and I will still not enjoy talking to you. Ironic, huh? I used to enjoy people. My mother always had a smile on her face no matter how much she was hurting inside and I was the same way for most of my life but recently, I just dont give a shit anymore. I always was the strong one, no matter what the situation was I took care of it. I am what you call the "Mother Hen". This comes from my childhood. To this day I want to do nothing but protect my family and friends. So this is weird that I love them enough to do anything for them and want to protect them but at the same time I dont want to even be bothered with a phone call. Yeah I dont understand it either. That is why we are going to start counseling again, duh! Well anyway, I will have to finish this convo for now. Its almost time to go home from work but I am sure I will get on the computer again when I get home and ramble on some more. TATA for now!